Day 1

I woke up this morning with my fists up. I am ready to fight! It is time to get this monkey off my back! I am focusing on one meal at a time. For now, I am not counting calories as I do not want to get too overwhelmed. I am aiming for success. When I went through treatment for the BED (Binge Eating Disorder), they taught me to focus on each meal....the goal = to make it a normal meal. Normal portions, normal eating, no binge eating. That is my goal. I started a little journal that I will use to log my meals and track whether they were "normal" or not. This will help to keep me conscious of each meal and will help me remember to keep it "normal." Once I get used to eating "normally" again and become much stronger in doing so, I will then incorporate the calorie counting in again and monitor my calorie intake. Whitney and I have set a goal to work out 3x a week to start and we are going to start by doing 25 situps per day. The stronger we get, we will increase that number. But our main goal right now is consistency. I know I can do it! I know we can and will succeed! 2010....a thinner, healthier me....here I come!

New Year Ahead

So, I have not blogged since July. I cannot keep on the path I have been. Since July, I have been through alot of personal struggles and, as a result, have been binging eating just as much as I did before I went through treatment of it. It was my way of dealing and coping. When I was stressed, I ate. When I was bored, I ate. When I was feeling a sense of happiness, I ate. When I say that "I ate," I do not eat a normal meal as most of you do. I binge eat at every meal. If I want to eat cookies, I will eat WAY too many....maybe even the whole thing, rather than eating a meal. I would feel so guilty for eating the cookies that I would skip the meal and then be hungry in another hour or so and eat more cookies. I knew it was wrong. But, believe it or not, the tormenting stress of my weight and my need to lose weight would drive me to uncontrollably eat and eat more. Despite the consequences. If I continue down this path, it will kill me. I will die. This is not healthy.

I am big. I am huge. When I look in the mirror, I am disgusted. I know what God says about me. He said that I am made in his image and that he loves me. How can this be? How can he possibly love me if I do not love myself? I am not sure that I even know how to love myself. Even though to love myself is to love God. There are times, many times, I avoid going to church because I don't want anyone to see how fat I am. As if, I am really hiding it from anyone. The only one that doesn't really see how fat I am is me. I try to deny it to myself. Then I see pictures and am horrified. I need to be delivered from this tormenting state of being. I want to live my life to the fullest. I simply cannot be all that God needs me to be for me, my family, my kids, my husband, my church, my friends, etc. in this condition. When is enough, enough?

I am going to start again tomorrow. I know many of you may say "the week of Christmas?" Yes, I feel like every day I do NOT start back on track is another day closer to my death. I must do something NOW. I need to pray for God's strength....that is the only way I will be able to do this. I have tried everything else. This is my last hope. God save me from these chains that are keeping me bound up. I need you. I can't do it alone. I just can't.

I haven't blogged for a week (or more) as I have not been doing as well as I would have liked. The term I like to use is that I "fell off the wagon" for about a week. You hear that phrase alot with alcoholics and I firmly believe that my struggles with food are an addiction and much like that of a alcoholic, but in some ways, worse. At least if you are struggling with alcohol or drugs, the idea is to quit cold turkey and completely eliminate it from your life and control your surroundings/environment. You cannot do that with food. Unfortunately, we all need food to survive. We need nutrition. We need to eat to live.

I gained 3.8 pounds this past week as a result of my disappointing fall of the wagon. I am determined to get back up again though. Mistakes happen. I am not perfect. I will have setbacks. What is important is that I begin again. Move forward.

We are taking our annual camping trip tomorrow and will be gone for 5 days. I am determined to eat well and track all my points/food while I am camping. I do not want to go back into weight watchers on Tuesday only to have another gain. I believe I can camp, not make food the center of attention, and still have a great time with my family. Please believe this with me and I hope to have a good report for you all when I return on Tuesday.

Pulling up the boot straps and starting again.

Until next time.
Confidently,
Jodi

Knowing is not enough; we must apply. Wishing is not enough; we must do."
-Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe

Weigh-in tonight. Check back tomorrow to see my progress. This week was somewhat difficult, more so on the weekend. We had a lot going on and it was difficult to find healthy food on the go. I really tried to focus on portion control and make healthy choices as much as possible. I am optimistic about weighing-in tonight though. I also made black bean brownies, which is a weight watchers recipe....sounds gross, doesn't it? Well, they were actually really good. You couldn't even taste the beans in it and they are only 1 point per brownie.

Black Bean Brownies Recipe:
1 box of Betty Crocker Low Fat brownie mix (the one with the green ribbon)
1 can black beans (make sure you don't get the spicy ones)
1 cup water
Puree the black beans; mix pureed black beans, water and dry brownie mix together until well blended. Bake according to the temp and time instructions on the brownie mix box.

Check back tomorrow to see the results of my weekly weigh-in!

"Success in any endeavor does not happen by accident. Rather, it's the result of deliberate decisions, conscious effort, and immense persistence... all directed at specific goals."
-Gary Ryan Blair

Successful Weigh-in

SUCCESS! Last night at weigh-in I am down another 2.6 pounds! Horray!

Making Progress

I've had a couple of really good weeks in the weight loss department. I have a new sense of motivation and have been consistent with it. My new goal is to start incorporating exercise into my life. I was using the pedometer and that seemed to help alot, however, I decided I also needed a really good workout routine to start burning more fat and taking off the weight a little quicker. I also believe slow and steady is the best way to loose it, however, I have alot to loose and my goal is to try and loose most of it by Spring break next year. Last night I went home and did Leslie Sansone's 2 mile workout (30 mins) which, for me, is quite a workout. I used to start out with her one mile workout and then work my way up to the 2 mile, but I really wanted a challenge...boy, did I get one! It felt so good when I was done though! My leg muscles were beat. I am planning on doing that workout 3-4 times per week to help boost my weight loss. My daughter has now joined me in the weight loss fight....she is trying to lose weight too and we have set goals for her too. She is young so I don't want to food-police her too much, but if I can just get her to workout with me and be more active, it will fall in place for her too. I am excited to weigh-in tonight and am hoping to see some good results. I will update you tomorrow.

Keep walking!
Jodi

Another Victory!

Weigh-in last night......down another 2.6 pounds! Yipeeeeee! Man, does that feel good.

I haven't written for a couple of days....seems the days get so busy and time gets away from me. I've been doing well and feeling more motivated than normal. Let's hope the result of that motivation will show on the scale tomorrow :) My new tool is to keep busy, especially when I am at home. If I find myself wanting to munch/binge, I try to get up and do something, even if for a few minutes, and the temptation/craving usually subsides. Often, I even get up and do some strength training to help the time pass. I have found this to be a very useful tool in helping curb the unwanted cravings. Give it a try!


"People often say that motivation doesn't last.
Well, neither does bathing - that's why we recommend it daily."
~Zig Ziglar

Child-like Wisdom

Tuesday was weigh-in and it didn't go as well as I had hoped. I stayed the same. I was on my way home from my meeting, feeling a little discouraged, and I called my 15 year old daughter and told her how frustrated I was that I didn't lose any weight this week. My daughter, in all of her teenage wisdom, said "it's ok mom, just think about where you would be if you were NOT on weight watchers?!.....you would be gaining weight every week!" That is so true, isn't it. I may not have huge victories every day, but I still need to keep on track so that I am moving forward, making the right choices. I will never forget what she said to me, it will stick with me every time I am discouraged now. To keep pressing on!

Secrets to Success

DRINK YOUR WATER - I try to always drink 8-10 glasses of water a day. It helps me to keep a large glass of water w/ice with me at all times and when I am away from home I always have a bottle of water that I can refill at any time.

BE PREPARED - When I go grocery shopping I ALWAYS have my W.W. Slide Rule with me to help ME decide what items will come home with me. For snack items I NEVER bring anything into the house that is more than 2 pts. per serving. If the wrong food items are in the house I know I have no willpower and at my weak moments I will gobble them up and then be sorry afterwards. I like to take the temptation out of my reach!

MARK YOUR GROCERIES WITH POINTS - After I get my groceries home I take a black marker and mark the points right on the food item—this way I don't have to bother looking the points up when I get ready to make a meal or eat that food item. This makes following the program and tracking my points EASY, which is going to help me STAY ON PROGRAM. If it becomes a chore I will quit for sure!

PRE-BAG & MARK WITH POINT VALUE - When I buy snacks or anything in bulk, I take the time to weigh out the serving size, put the servings in baggies and mark the points on the baggie. Now, when you want a snack all you have to do is grab a baggie, which is portioned out with the points on it. As I said in #3, EASY, EASY, EASY! It is time consuming ONCE but you'll be happy you did it.

PLAN FOR THE DAY - When I leave the house for the "day" I pack a large lunch box with foods that I might eat during the day—being prepared when not at home is the key to staying away from Fast Food, which is very high in points and gives you very little satisfaction—you will be hungry shortly thereafter and no points left with which to eat. I prepare all the foods to "grab" (if I pack an orange I will peel it, section it and put it in a baggie) in case I'm driving when I get hungry. As I'm packing my lunch box for the day I write down all the points of the food in the lunchbox…if, when I get home, I don't eat it all, it is very easy and pleasurable, to take the points back.

ORGANIZE - I keep a list of all my favorite brand name foods so I don't have to refigure them all the time; I just look it up and mark the item.

ASK FOR WHAT YOU WANT WHEN EATING OUT - When I eat out I ask the waitress if she could ask the cook to bring me half of what I ordered—this way I am watching my portion size and the food is not going to waste—most times the restaurants have no problem with this. Also, if it cannot be done, I eat half of the meal and then ask the waitress to immediately take the plate away (otherwise I WILL eat the whole thing). Be aware of your weaknesses and don't set yourself up!

DON'T DENY YOURSELF - I have tried a lot of different healthy foods. I DON'T eat anything I don't like "because it is healthier". For example: I don't really like the non-fat—or lite, for that matter—salad dressing. So, I ALWAYS order it on the side (Blue Cheese is my favorite) and use a fork. This way I am only eating about a teaspoon for my whole salad and I'm not suffering because I'm eating what I like. When you force yourself to eat what you think you should instead of what you like you will quit and go back to your old eating habits. Don't DENY yourself - you want a healthier eating plan that you can live with.

DO "SMART GROCERY SHOPPING" - I always hit the produce aisle FIRST—don't be afraid even if prices are high. I was afraid at first that my food bill would double with all the "healthy" foods but have found that eating healthy did not cost any more money. Controlling my portions makes the foods last.

ENJOY SPECIAL OCCASIONS - When I go to parties, family gatherings, weddings, etc. I eat a couple spoonfuls of everything I want. This way you are not feeling "deprived" and you are not going off program. I also make sure I eat a small breakfast before going, along with about half of my water for the day—this keeps you from overeating.

EXERCISE - Schedule your activity into your day—remember, it doesn't matter so much what you do, as long as you do some activity. Every little bit helps. I personally have to do my workout early in the morning, the first thing, otherwise I WILL NOT DO IT! So, I get up very early and get my 1½-hour workout done first thing. I do this 3 times a week and on the other days I bowl or do other activities. If you cannot get out of the house try marching in front of your favorite TV program.

WRITE DOWN MEALS WITH POINTS - When I have put a meal together that I like and figured the points for everything in that meal, I write it down so the next time all I have to do is look up the points for that particular meal. Again, EASY, EASY, EASY!

NEVER MISS A MEETING - Please don't underestimate the power of group support. I have had my times when I didn’t attend meetings and I can tell you it definitely helps me when I do attend. If you don't care for your leader go to another meeting and keep going until you find one that you are comfortable with. The meetings help you stay motivated and let you know that you are not alone in this. Another great benefit from going to your meetings is the wonderful new friends you will make—I have truly been blessed!

WRITE EVERYTHING YOU EAT DOWN - This keeps you honest and holds you accountable for everything you put in your mouth. It also lets you know the areas where you are lacking (vegetables, fruits, etc). You would be surprised how fast the points add up! It is a good tool to help you get and maintain a healthy eating lifestyle.

DON'T BE AFRAID TO TRY NEW FOOD CHOICES - I have discovered I like fresh mushrooms, and many other vegetables, which I thought I didn't like (usually because I didn't bother trying them before).

TAKE BABY STEPS - Try journaling for one week, drinking water for the next one, walking a couple times a week for the next week, etc. Trying to do TOO MUCH at once can be overwhelming! Take baby steps—you will get there in no time and the WHOLE program will come together. Don't focus or think about the amount of weight you have to lose.

(from Dotti's Weight Loss Zone newsletter)

A Second Chance

Wow, what a week. I will try to give you the condensed version. It started on Tuesday with car problems so we had to take one car into the shop and I also rec'd my fasting lab work from my Dr. and they said I had high cholesterol, which I have never had before. On Wednesday, Mark was busy prepping for a colonoscopy - no fun, but he did alot better than expected. On Thursday morning, I took him to have the procedure. The procedure itself went well, everything looked normal, but they did take a biopsy to check the tissue lining. The day prior I had been having a racing pulse and some periods of shortness of breath. It went away that evening, so I really thought it was just anxiety related. After I got done with Mark's procedure, I went to work and as soon as I got there, I started having the racing pulse symptoms again. Throughout the rest of the afternoon, the symptoms kept getting progressively worse to the point I was having extreme difficulty breathing, racing pulse and chest pain when I breathed in. I did not know what to do as I had our only family vehicle with me at work and Mark was not able to drive all day due to the procedure and the sedation he received. I did not want to drive and even thought I was going to have to call an ambulance. I called my dear aunt who left work early to come and take me to Southdale ER. In the meantime, one of my co-workers insisted on bringing me in as it was getting worse. I was so scared and, although I was trying to remain as calm as possible, I really thought I was having a heart attack and that I was going to die, especially considering that my cholesterol was high. I felt completely out of control and helpless. I made a promise to God and myself when I was sitting in the hospital bed that if I survived, I would continue to make healthy changes in my diet/life, only I would get more serious. After all, it was becoming more and more apparent that my life depended on it. They ran tests and found my heart was healthy (PRAISE GOD!) and then thought I had a blood clot in my lungs...after more tests that, too, was ruled out (PRAISE GOD AGAIN!) They are still trying to determine what the racing pulse is from, but because my life was no longer in danger, they sent me home and asked me to come back the next day to get hooked up to a halter monitor that monitors my heart rate for 48 hours. So, right now I have about 7 wires coming out of my chest that lead to a box I carry on my hip. How did I get here? Why did I do this to myself? Why didn't I take care of myself sooner?
I'm not sure I have all the answers to those questions. What I do know now is that IT IS NEVER TOO LATE to start again. I want to live a long, HEALTHY, life for myself, my husband, my kids, God, my family, my friends, etc. In order to do that, I need to answer this wake up call. How many more calls do I need? One doctor told me that if I don't get this weight off, he will refer me to gastric bypass surgery. The other nurse told me that maybe I am one of those people who just needs be on cholesterol meds for the rest of my life (I think NOT)! Then, I have, what felt like, a near death experience. The time is NOW. I have been doing well with my diet and exercise, however, it is time to step up my game.....my life depends on it.

Thankful to be alive. Thankful for another chance at good health.

Weigh-In Tonight!

I am optimistic for tonight's weigh-in.....I did not have a super week, but I did make alot of good choices and have added our recommended Burst Training in. I will keep you posted.

At church yesterday Pastor said something that really stuck with me and that can be applied to this weight loss journey...they relate to much of what I have written here before, but thought it would be a good reminder.

He said that you can start right NOW making a good choice. That one GOOD choice is going to improve your life right NOW. One BAD choice is going to set you back. Many BAD choices is going to put you right were you started from, if not further back. The good news is....if you are not on track (eating habits) you can make one GOOD choice right NOW and it will get you back on track IMMEDIATELY. Isn't that great news?! I think so. I have always said it seems to boil down to our own choices. We make so many decisions/choices each day that cumulatively make up our success and/or failures.

Get back on track NOW with your next GOOD choice!

Psalm 23
The Lord is my Shepherd = That's Relationship!
I shall not want = That's Supply!
He maketh me to lie down in green pastures = That's Rest!
He leadeth me beside the still waters = That's Refreshment!
He restoreth my soul = That's Healing!
He leadeth me in the paths of righteousness = That's Guidance!
For His name sake = That's Purpose!
Yea, though I walk through the valley of t he shadow of death = That's Testing!
I will fear no evil = That's Protection!
For Thou art with me = That's Faithfulness!
Thy rod and Thy staff they comfort me = That's Discipline!
Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies = That's Hope!
Thou annointest my head with oil = That's Consecration!
My cup runneth over = That's Abundance!
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life = That's Blessing !
And I will dwell in the house of the Lord = That's Security!
Forever = That's Eternity!

It is not always easy to be honest about our failures, however, when I started this blog, I promised myself that I would blog about the good AND the bad. Yesterday I got back on, what I call, the Weight Watchers Wagon (WW wagon). After almost a week off track, I am now back to tracking my food and counting my points. Surprisingly, it is so freeing, it makes me feel in control again. Mark and I have still cut out soda from our every day diet, however, we both have one can a day (at least for now), which is better than quiting cold turkey, from what I am being told.

I am not perfect. There are going to be days (sometimes weeks unfortunately) that I fall off the wagon. As I was telling one of my followers, what is important is that you (I) stand back up again. Try again. Get back on the wagon. It is when you stop trying and give up completely that there will be problems. If I fall, and never get back up again, I will go back to the old me...the me that is not self-controlled, not self-disciplined, and not healthy. I have already come too far to stop. So, even if I have to get back up again more than once, I will strive to always get back up. One day, I hope to always stand tall and not have as many falls, as I know that will make me the most successful!

Make one healthy choice at a time today!

Uphill Battle

I am home sick today. My blog has been on my mind all day. It has been difficult deciding what to write about today. You see, I have not been doing that well this week. I didn't want to blog about it, but if I didn't blog about the bad with the good, I wouldn't be human. Just like everyone else, I have good days and bad days. I don't really have an excuse for not doing well, other than being on my cycle and being sick. Those two things threw me off. But no sense in dwelling on what I feel are "failures", I need to get back on the wagon and begin again. This is an uphill battle and I'm sure there will be times I take two steps back.....but the key is that I continue to take steps forward to make it up the hill and accomplish my goal. If I don't make any forward steps, I will never reach my goal and I will walk backwards further and further from my goal. ONE STEP FORWARD.....ONWARD MARCH.

Your life is the sum result of the choices you make.....both consciously and unconsciously.
If you can control the process of choosing, you can take control of all aspects of your life.
You can find freedom that comes with being in charge.

--Weight Watchers meeting

Today is D-day. It is the day I chose to completely eliminate diet coke (and all other sodas, aspartame subsitutes) from my diet. I received a newsletter from Dottie's Weight Loss Zone that focused on water and here is an excerpt:

Water fills us up. Water helps us look better. Water keeps our body fluids in balance. Water takes away excess sodium. Cold water can burn calories (according to some studies). Water suppresses the appetite. Water helps the body metabolize stored fat. Water cushions joints. Water protects organs and tissues. Water regulates body temperature. Water carries nutrients and oxygen to cells. Water removes toxins. Water maintains strength and endurance. Several preliminary studies suggest that drinking plenty of water may reduce your risk for breast and colon cancers.

What a great reminder of why water is so important. I know it is going to be a difficult habit to break, but I know I can succeed.....plus think of all the money we'll save by not buying pop! Today, reach for a bottle of water instead of a can of pop.

New Endeavors

Last nights WW weigh-in was successful....I am down another 1.2 pounds! My husband and I are taking a class through church called Body By God. It is based off of the book by the same title. As a result of last night's class, Mark and I are BOTH giving up our soda....YEP, you heard it. I am giving up my cherished, beloved, highly esteemed Diet Coke. I have always known how bad the aspartame is for you, and even went off of it for a few months at one point, but I know it is time to also eliminate this unhealthy habit from my life. I am thinking that eliminating the Diet Coke habit may be almost more difficult than the food temptations that I have struggled with. Diet Coke has always been my 'guiltless' pleasure. The one thing I never had to count calories or points on. I will start the elimination of diet coke tomorrow, however, I have reduced my intake of diet coke today. I had a migraine headache this morning so I delayed my plan one day....even though I am sure I will endure a few more headaches until my body gets the toxins out of my system.

Be Blessed!

Little By Little

What I am learning...and want to share with you:

It all comes down to choices. Every little choice, one at a time, adds up to change, habit modification, and results. For example: every now and then I like a little chocolate, I have chosen to have a individual wrapped piece of dark chocolate = 1 point. It satisfies the craving. I am choosing to leave dressing off salad, wheat over white bread, water over a second can of diet soda, park further from the door, etc.

Habits. I have decided that in order to change, I need to die to any old thoughts that I had about who I am. I decided that I had to stop thinking of myself as fat, a failure, or what habit I used to do. I know think of myself as someone who IS losing weight and SUCCEEDING because I have new habits and continue to implement new habits. I no longer focus on my old way of doing things or my past failures. They are in the past, there is nothing I can do to change them. So, therefore, I move forward....on to the next healthy choice.

Stress. I am definitely a stress/emotional eater. I am working on this, but what I do know is that God does not give you anything that you cannot handle. This is what I have been telling myself when I feel absolutely overwhelmed and emotional to the point I want to binge out on a something completely off my program. When I tell myself this, it gives me a sense of CONFIDENCE...an "I CAN and WILL get through this (without eating)."

I am actually excited about my weigh-in tonight. I am believing for good things. I feel thinner, I have noticed it in my face now and in my clothes. My 'aunt flo' is visiting me now, which is not ideal for a weigh-in, but I will keep this in mind if I don't get the results I want. I also am reminding myself that it is just a number on the scale and as long as I know I have done what I should this week, the rest will fall into place when my body is ready.

Until tomorrow...with my weigh-in results.....be blessed and make good choices!

Wake Up Call

Happy Monday! Last night we were watching some specials on the TLC network called "Half-Ton Mom", "Half-Ton Dad", and "Half-Ton Teens". The show followed the largest woman, man, and teen in the world (not exactly a title worth holding). These people had not stood on their own feet for years, had not left their bed for years, and had to be cut out of their own home as the doorways were too small for them to fit through. Essentially, they took these people to a hospital that specializes in the gastric bypass surgery. The largest woman died 2 weeks after the surgery, leaving 2 young daughters behind. The man was hospitalized for 9 months before he was able to walk and go home (he began his journey at 1,031 pounds!) The reason I am sharing these stories with you is because, as I sat and watched their stories in complete awe last night, I realized I am at the perfect place in my life to lose this weight. I can still move, I can still walk, I can still bathe myself, I can still take my kids to the park, etc. After watching those stories, I felt so THANKFUL that I can still move enough to get myself up and out of this overweight body! I can move....there is no excuse not to move. They were too large to move. I NEVER, EVER, NEVER want to get that unhealthy that I could no longer support myself and have to rely on others to care for me. In fact, I was so traumatized by what I was watching, that I got up and started doing my strength/weight training as I was watching the show.....it was as if I had to prove to myself that I can still move, I am not that large, I am not that person who had to be cut out of their home. I do have to also say though that I could relate to everything they said about their struggles and addictions with food, self-esteem, intentions, etc. I have to wonder where were their friends, families, and support system long before they reached 900 plus pounds?

Today, I am THANKFUL. I give thanks that I can move. I give thanks that I am able to work daily. I give thanks to everyone in my life who supports me. I give thanks that those supporters would not let me get to 900 pounds. I give thanks for words of encouragement. I give thanks for my own self-determination. THANK YOU. THANK GOD.

Only You Know What Is Best For You

You cannot listen to what others want you to do.

You must listen to yourself.

Society, family, friends do not know what you must do.

Only you know and only you can do what is right for you.

So start right now.

You will need to work very hard.

You will need to overcome many obstacles.

You will need to go against the better judgment of many people

and you will need to bypass their prejudices.

But you can have whatever you want if you try hard enough.

So start right now and you will live a life designed by you

and for you

and you will LOVE your life.

Susan Polis Schutz

Friday Victory

I previously wrote about my struggles with Friday mornings and the old habit I had of going through the McDonald's drive-through (see April 24th blog). Well, this morning, I had a sort-of "first." We desperately need to go and buy groceries as we are out of most everything in our home.....so this morning I was short on time and didn't have anything at home that I could grab-n-go for breakfast. I am very much a person who must eat breakfast and it must be filled with protein. I cautiously approached the McDonald's drive-through hoping I could behave and not order my old habit usual....which equals 24 WHOPPING weight watchers points! As I placed my order, I surprised even myself by making a much healthier choice. I ordered an egg mcmuffin w/o the meat (egg and cheese only) and a hash brown (total 10 points). The old habit breakfast was a sausage mcmuffin w/egg and cheese, a hash brown AND a cinnamon melt (the cinnamon melt alone is 10 points!). I am very proud of myself as I feel like I overcame a big struggle and temptation. There is even a lady in the drive-through that was so accustomed to seeing me and knowing my order by heart (how pathetic is that?!), that she was really shocked to see me....given what I ordered. I literally saw her do a double-take. This just goes to show that I can make, what seem like little, adjustments to our daily habits/routines that go a LONG way toward my ultimate weight loss goal.

I leave you with this thought for the weekend:

Blame is demeaning; Responsibility is empowering!

It's time to stop beating up on myself and stop blaming myself and start taking responsibility for my weight and my own successes/failures.

Have a great weekend everyone! And may food NOT be the center of your activities.

You can't have a better tomorrow if you are thinking about yesterday all the time.
----Charles F. Kettering

Weight Watchers Weigh-In

Last night.....down 2.2 pounds! Yipee! Everything I have been reading states that a healthy weight loss, one that you are more likely to keep off, is a gradual, slow weight loss each week. Weight Watchers recommendS 1 to 2 pounds...so I seem to be right on track! Even better news is that the work pants I just bought (a little smaller) are now getting a little baggy! So, for now, I take it one meal at a time and I PRESS ON!

On Track for Success

I am excited to tell you all today that I have had a great week! The lecture from my doctor really put things in perspective for me and motivated me more to keep my eye on the task at hand. It seemed my focus would always take the windy path and, I believe, in order to achieve success, one must set their eyes/focus on the more narrow path. It's definitely a learning process, but I am learning to not look at the big picture so much (142 pounds) but look at each challenge (or opportunity) as I face it...some times meal by meal. I survived the Mother's Day weekend with much success! I've been making wise choices and following the Weight Watcher's plan perfectly by tracking, implementing portion control, etc. I feel so much more confident in my ability to defeat this struggle. We shall see what the scale says tomorrow night at weigh-in....stay tuned. I have resolved, however, that no matter what the number may say, I know I gave it my all this week and will be happy knowing I am on the right track. Till tomorrow my dear friends.......another day, another opportunity :)

GO Kirstie!!

If Kirstie Alley can fall off and get back on the horse, so CAN I!!!

(For once, someone in hollywood is a REAL person....someone who actually does put on weight and have to take it off)

"Our greatest glory is not in never failing but in rising every time we fall." Confucius

Today at the Doctor

I went to the doctor today to see my Rheumatologist. I see him every three months for treatment of Still's disease. Today was different. My doctor explain how imperitive it is for me to take this weight off. He said that if I did not start having success with Weight Watchers, he would highly recommend me for bariatric surgery. He said that the Still's is hard enough on my body, my knees and ankles that I don't need all the extra weight on top of it. The extra weight is definitely contributing to the deterioration and I will be wheelchair bound soon if I don't do something.

Needless to say, this was a wake up call. I am, and have been, fully aware that I need to lose weight. This just helps to put it into perspective, to motive me even more and to get SERIOUS about making progress in this battle. This battle has now become an all out war. I do NOT want to have bariatric surgery. Everything I have heard about the surgery...the negative outweighs the positive. There is an entire floor of the UofM dedicated to bariatric surgeries gone wrong. I am not willing to take that risk....I have a husband and two beautiful children to live for.

So, in conclusion, here I am fighting another day of the battle, only today I have a renewed sense of drive and determination. ONWARD MARCH! Will you march with me?

Finding Wisdom

In my previous post I said I was going to begin a 21 day fast. After some prayerful consideration, and speaking with my hubby, I am still going to do a 21 day fast, but it will be a fast of all sweets and pizza (binge food). My husband is actually joining me in the fast, he is such a great supporter!

I'm doing good right now, just working the WW program and wearing my pedometer and taking it one day at a time. Physically, I am really struggling. As most of you know, I am also battling a disease called Still's Disease. For those of you who don't know, here is a link http://www.medicinenet.com/stills_disease/article.htm or http://www.stillsdisease.org/. I have missed two doses of my, much relied upon, medication (My dr. will not refill my prescription until I get my liver functions checked, which I will do tomorrow). This medication is very hard on my liver and, therefore, I have to get my liver functions checked every three months, they have not been good for quite some time. Well, without the medication, I am in alot of pain. Constant aches and pains, like a deep muscle pain. Also, more recently, I have been having problems with my ankles/feet, giving out on me. It is not uncommon for people with arthritis to have ankle problems develop, and I will talk to my Rheumatologist about this tomorrow. Anyhow, the reason I have been babbling on about this is because this is ALL THE MORE reason for me to devote myself 100% to this weight loss effort. The extra weight is an added strain on my knees, ankles and, frankly, my entire body. This only exacerbates the Still's and joint deterioration. In a sense, the pain is helping to keep me focused and motivated right now. I want to live a very long life, I want to see my kids get married and their kids get married :) I have so much left to do on this earth....I must survive this weight plague!

I WILL DO IT, even if I fall, I WILL STAND BACK UP AGAIN!

Believing God

Today I started a fast. Not for weight loss purposes, but for spiritual purposes. I am really needing a breakthrough with my eating habits. I have been struggling with this most of my life, but more intensely for the past 4 years. I KNOW this is not the plan God has for my life. I am to live a long, healthy, prosperous life and I can't do that if I am in bondage to food! So, no food today, and tomorrow I will begin a Daniel fast, 21 days, just fruit and veggies (a little protein each day). Please pray for me that God will do a miracle through me and that I will no longer be addicted to food and food will have the proper place in my life. My focus shall be on God and God alone, not what my next meal will entail.

Given the fact that I will be fasting, I may not blog much of the food related stuff over the next few weeks, but more about what God is telling and showing me through the fast.

Have NOT been doing good at all. I'm ashamed to even write about my non-progress. Any words of encouragement or tips would be so helpful!

Tuesday night (after WW) 6 slices of pizza (not all at once!)
Wednesday night: Davanni's ham hoagie, garlic cheese bread and a brownie
Thursday: Breakfast: McDonalds
Lunch: 17 pretzels and a bag of Reese's Pieces
Dinner: Haven't had it yet, but I guarantee it will be a brisk walk around the MOA!!

HELP! I seem to be falling off the wagon. By posting of this blog, I commit to get back on track RIGHT NOW....not after dinner, not after today, not tomorrow, but NOW. I just lost 3 pounds this week for pete's sake!

WHY DO I DO THIS TO MYSELF?! It is SO not worth it. All the guilt, negative self-talk, etc. that comes with falling off the wagon does not feel good.

Learning to learn from my mistakes

I promised myself when I started this blog that I would have to be completely honest about this journey, ups and downs, successes and failures. Yesterday, I had a great success at the scale at my weight watchers meeting last night and lost 3 pounds! HOWEVER, I also had a failure last night. I came home from my meeting and ordered pizza. Ordering pizza in and of itself is not a failure, but eating 6 slices is! I had four with dinner (2 too many!) and ate two more cold slices before I went to bed. Why do I sabotage myself? This is where I need the most help....binge eating. I do really, really well, and then I just binge. I need to learn to make a conscious choice to only eat two slices, what is on my plate and when I am finished with those two slices, I am done eating. period. even if there is leftover pizza in the box. One way I can avoid this is by only ordering a medium pizza...that way everyone can only have two slices. period. My whole family would benefit from this portion control. My motto for 2009 has been "If you WANT something different, you have to DO something different." Last night I resorted to my old ways and those habits are the very reason I am severely overweight now. I need to DO something different. NOW, I cannot go back and change what happened last night, so I will LOOK AHEAD and do BETTER today.....and walk a whole lot more this week so the scale is nice to me next week at weigh-in!

PS: how pathetic is it that I only have 3 followers?! I know I have a few that read that are not official "followers".....I need ALL the support I can get!

Weight Watchers night.....3 pounds lost! The walking MUST be working.

Last night I took the kids to the MOA to go walking. I left my purse in the car and we walked! I finally got my new pedometer yesterday so I had to try it out. Yesterday, I walked 6880 steps. They say the recommended steps per day is 10,000.....seems almost impossible. I would have to walk the mall and then some to meet that goal every single day. We didn't walk the entire mall, but we did walk 1.5 floors, plus we walked all around the old camp snoopy too. It felt so good to get moving. Now, I hope to keep this routine up and keep my kids interested in going too. I have weight watchers tonight so we'll see if this hard work has paid off on the scale. Check back tomorrow for the results!

My new pedometer came today! Watch out world, I'm WALKING!

Weight Watcher Prayer

The Program is my Shepherd

I shall not want

It prevents me from lying down on the sofa

and leads me to a sweaty aerobics class.

It restores my favorite tight jeans.

It guides me down the path

of slimness for its namesake.

Even though I walk through the valley of red light food,

I will fear no restaurant.

For you are with me,your Leaders and your Staff,they will comfort me.

You prepare a table before me in the presence of balanced meals.

You anoint my bread with pure virgin olive oil

and my bladder runneth over with H20.

Surely goodness and confidence

will follow me all the days of my life.

And I will dwell in the meetings

once a week forever and ever.

(from Dottie's Weight Loss Zone)

Consider This

Consider this...when someone is addicted to something such as alcoholic, pornography, drugs, sex, etc.....it is recommended that they quit cold turkey, completely eliminate it from their life.

How does one, who seemingly has an addiction to food, quit cold turkey?

I used to tell Mark if I was an alcoholic, it would be simple, we would simply not keep any alcohol in the house, however, we need food to sustain us.....we need a healthy relationship with food.

That is what I am learning to do....food must no longer be my medication, it must no longer feed the void, hurt, pain, emptiness, inadequacy, etc. I must put GOD in that place instead.

extreme cravings for chocolate today.....ever since lunch and I can't seem to get rid of the craving......

Little Successes

Happy Friday!

Last night I walked, even when I did not feel like it, I walked.
I called my 4 year old son after work and asked him if he would go for a walk with Mommy. He, so preciously responded "YES! Mommy, I will walk with you, YOU BET!" What an awesome little cheerleader I have in him :) He truly inspired me to get off my lazy butt!

Fridays are always a challenge for me because there is something about Fridays that feels like a celebration is in order....not sure if it is because it is the end of the work week, the beginning of the weekend, or just another great reason to want to eat! Every Friday morning I used to swing through the drive-through window of the McDonald's that is so appropriately positioned one block from our house. After joining Weight Watchers (WW), I learned that my breakfast was 21 points! That is almost a full day of points. I am allowed 37 points per day (This is calculated based on age, weight, height, etc.) So, despite the fact that I am aware of how many points is in this McDonald's breakfast, for some reason, I am so tempted to indulge every Friday morning. This always seemed to get me off on the wrong foot for the rest of the weekend too. However, today I declared VICTORY and did not let that drive-through window tempt me....ok, well it DID tempt me, but I did not succomb to the temptation! YAY! This brings me to today's blog......I've noticed that when a person has such a big goal to accomplish - such as losing 145 pounds - it is easy to get overwhelmed with the big picture. I am learning to celebrate my "little" successes. Today I overcame the Friday temptation that I had made a habit out of for so many months....I must celebrate that success! (without food!)

Day 2

So.....last night I thought of a few more reasons why I should loose weight. Thus, making MORE than 100 reasons why it is beneficial for me to take off 145 pounds of blubber.....Ok, I hate that word, I vow not to use it again in my blogs. Fat.

101. To be able to comfortably transport large, redrope files around the office, without having pain, discomfort and without getting out of breath.
102. To be able to feel comfortable taking off my top layer (i.e. a sweater or cardigan) if I am hot at work.
103. To sit down at my desk chair and not have to adjust my shirt with every move I make.
104. To be able to walk down a hallway or store aisle and not have to look down at the carpet of embarassment, but to hold my head high in confidence.
105. To avoid gastric bypass surgery, which, in my opinion, is only a band-aid for a much bigger problem.

Can you tell I thought of all of the above reasons while I was at work, working this morning :) Now that I've determined my reasons for loosing weight, it's time to put a plan of action in place:

PLAN OF ACTION
1. Eat healthy:

• maintain a healthy eating pattern by being consistent with my weight watcher program points each day. I struggle at the end of the day with wanting to track my food and points for dinner and dessert, so it is important for me to follow-through with tracking my food for the entire day;
• portion control. Just because the girls at the office want to order pizza, does NOT mean I cannot have some, I just don't need too many. One or two will do and I WILL count the points for the pizza. When ordering from somewhere that has alternative choices, I will order a salad with grilled chicken (one of my faves!)
• Conscious Eating. I will purposefully eat what I have planned to eat and not indulge in a binge session. I am fully aware when I am binging and will have the self-control I need to stop.

2. Be More Active:

• Track Steps. I just purchased a pedometer and will strive to reach the recommended goal of 10,000 steps daily. From what I have heard, it is not an easy task, so I will do the best I can and if I don't make the 10,000 every day, I will strive to get more steps that day than I did the day before.
• Take walks with kids and husband more often, weather permitting.
• In Home Walking. Use my Leslie Sansone walking workouts at least 2 times per week.
• Weight Training. Do 30 mins of weight training 2 times per week to start.

3. Spiritual/Emotional:

• Remain completely devoted to God. Remember I am precious in his sight and he loves me unconditionally.
• Be a good steward over my body, my health, my spirit, and my mind.
• Never let the stress of life keep me from my spiritual life (i.e. walk with God and church)

ta-ta for now.....by the way, you have NO IDEA how much it means to me that I have your support, I really need a miracle right now!

100 REASONS TO LOSE WEIGHT

1. To be better in tune with the person God has intended me to be.
2. To be able to wear “normal” necklaces without having to use an extender.
3. To not feel like (or be) the largest person in a group of people.
4. To be able to sit up straight and cross my legs comfortably.
5. To walk into a “normal” clothing store and be able to shop there.
6. To have more energy in my day-to-day life
7. To be able to wear pants that rest comfortably on the hip – no more turtle neck pants!
8. To be able to bend over and touch my toes
9. To do physical activities with my family and not have to stop because of discomfort
10. To be able to comfortably pass by another person in stairwells/narrow pathways.
11. To wear clothes that are form fitting, flattering, tank tops, short sleeves.
12. To avoid health complications that come from being overweight (diabetes, high blood pressure, heart disease, etc.)
13. To go into public and not be paranoid that everyone is staring at me because I’m fat.
14. To not have to wear wide-width shoes anymore, to be able to wear high heel shoes, high heel boots, and knee high boots.
15. To have extra space in “normal” seats (buses, planes, movie theatres, etc.)
16. To be able to go straight through a turn style and not have to turn and shuffle through sideways.
17. To be happy with candid pictures of myself – not feel like a giant blob.
18. To feel comfortable being in pictures so that I can take pictures of myself with my kids and husband.
19. To be able to sit and not feel as if the waistband on my pants are digging into my fat.
20. To fit into booths in restaurants and actually have extra space
21. To be able to sit down and stand up gracefully
22. To not have to worry about weight limits
23. To be part of the most in “one size fits most”
24. To be comfortable in the summertime, and not feel the need to wear a sweatshirt and knit pants wherever I go.
25. Thighs that don’t rub one another
26. To be healthy enough to play with my future grandchildren.
27. To not feel personally attacked whenever someone makes a fat joke.
28. To no longer need the extra large blood pressure cuff at the doctor.
29. For the doctor/nurse to no longer be surprised that I do not have high blood pressure. They always assume that since I am fat, I must have high blood pressure too, I do not.
30. To eat in public without feeling embarrassed
31. To eat in front of Mark’s family and our friends without feeling embarrassed.
32. To not be ashamed of my reflection in mirrors/windows.
33. To worry about what I’m going to wear because I look good in clothes and have so many to choose from, not because I look horrible in everything.
34. To be able to be comfortable and relax in a bathtub.
35. To keep up with people who walk faster than me.
36. No more double chin
37. To wear shorts.
38. To no longer be considered “plus-sized” or “full-figured”
39. To feel generally stronger and more energized.
40. To climb stairs without running out of breath
41. To go out dancing and not feel self-conscious
42. To wash dishes without the front of my shirt getting wet because I have to press up against the edge of the sink.
43. To not need assistance getting up from sitting on the floor.
44. To not need two gowns at the doctors in order to be covered up.
45. So that I am not ashamed of what’s in my cart at the grocery store. Even when buying healthy foods, I feel as if everyone is scrutinizing me for what I am purchasing.
46. To not be embarrassed of the number on the scale at the doctor’s office.
47. To spend time in nature without my size impeding me
48. To be able to shave my legs easily
49. To wrap a regular towel around myself and have it cover me completely
50. To reduce the size of my chest.
51. To be able to have my husband pick me up and be able to sit on his lap without smooshing him.
52. To no longer be associated with the negative stigma that comes with being overweight – you know, obese people are always lazy, slobs, pigs, unsuccessful, unlovable, and generally second-class citizens (I don’t think this at all, but unfortunately much of society does).
53. To go to the gym and be seen as athletic, not as the fat girl trying to loose weight.
54. For all of those people who, through my life, have told me that it is inevitable that I am going to be fat for the rest of my life, because it’s in my “genes”
55. To be the best possible example for my children as to what it means to live a healthy life.
56. To be healthy enough to go indoor rock climbing
57. To be able to sit in the back seat of a vehicle with two other people without feeling like I am going to die. To be able to sit in the passenger seat of a car without feeling like I am blocking the driver’s view.
58. To actually have definable features (cheeks, chin, neck, waist, and not just feel like a blob
59. So that I don’t feel the need to hide behind people in group pictures
60. To feel beautiful while out with my drop-dead gorgeous friends!
61. To not feel the6 need to use the handicapped stall in public restrooms.
62. To one day be asked to be a bridesmaid, and look good in the dress.
63. So that I actually weigh less than my husband, the man in the relationship.
64. To no longer have difficulty putting on my socks or painting my toe nails.
65. To be able to ride a bike without being afraid I am going to pop the tires.
66. To be able to go boating and not feel like I will sink the boat
67. To buy underwear that doesn’t resemble something a grandmother would wear
68. To no longer have people joke about how it must be nice having extra insulation in cold weather.
69. To have a healthy relationship with food.
70. To not think about food/worry about food 24 hours a day
71. One pound of excess weight puts 4 extra pounds of pressure on your knees. I want to give my knees a break!
72. Thinner fingers, so my hands look feminine with my wedding ring on.
73. I want to climb Long’s Peak in Colorado
74. So that when people hug me, they can actually wrap their arms around me.
75. To be able to sit on the floor Indian style
76. To do yoga or Pilates
77. I want the way I look on the outside to mirror the joy of the Lord that I feel on the inside.
78. To sit in a lawn chair or wooden bench without being afraid of breaking it
79. To not have to constantly adjust my clothing because my body is fighting against it
80. To be able to shimmy past people in rows of seats (church, movies, sporting events, etc.) without them having to stand up and squeeze out of my way
81. When my husband or other people compliment me, I want to believe him instead of mentally second-guessing his motives.
82. To find out what my body looks like under the many layers of fat, and to actually have muscle tone
83. I don’t want to be the girl with the “great personality” anymore
84. So that in the future I can buy a beautiful dress from somewhere other than Omar’s Tent and Awning.
85. To be able to wear a formal gown, get dressed up and enjoy a formal evening with my husband.
86. To have my children not be embarrassed to introduce their fat mom to their friends
87. To be able to wear a belt without it digging into my stomach every time I sit.
88. I want to feel comfortable showing my knees and calves in public
89. to wear jeans again
90. to be an “after”
91. to be able to ride the rides at amusement parks with my kids
92. to go to the pools or beach and feel comfortable in a bathing suit
93. to be healthy enough to chase after and play with my children and grandchildren
94. To not feel as if I am constantly judged for my size.
95. To no longer ridicule and judge myself for my size.
96. To finally love me, every part of me.
97. To jump up and down during Praise and Worship without being afraid of what it looks like or who will see me. To lift both hands in Praise and Worship and not worry about my shirt coming up to show my big butt.
98. To get out there and play sports for fun when in a group of people
99. To prove to myself and anyone who doubts me that I am capable of anything I put my mind to.
100. To feel happy about who I am mentally, spiritually, emotionally and physically. (I know this won’t come solely from losing weight, but through the journey itself, I will get there).

Welcome to Jodi's Blog!

I can't believe I have finally joined the modern age society and am writing my own blog. I never thought this day would come. Recently, I started Weight Watchers to begin the process of loosing weight. Today, I was creating a list of 100 reasons why I should lose weight. As I was creating that list, I thought about how I would like to share this with others who may be struggling with their weight as well. I have found from past experience (and many failed attempts) that it is much easier to acheive your goals when you have people surrounding you who understand and support you. I need a cheerleading section! I am creating this blog as a way to reach out to ask others to support me in my (what sometimes seems impossible) weight loss journey and hoping it will be a good support tool for others who need the encouragement as well. Soooo, here I go...I'm off and running! I can do it...I WILL succeed.